the golden compass - the sibs suggested we watch it and i was all like ‘what shit. i don’t want to watch no golden compass.’ and then i tried to think of why the title sounded so familiar anyway and i remembered godiva saying something about a talking polar bear so i agreed to watch the movie. it was pretty boring until there was iorek byrnison and then the movie was just awesome. iorek made my insides quiver and it was very much the same feeling when i saw aslan in narnia.
and i fell in love with iorek when he looked at lyra all funnily and said in his sexy hart hart booming voice: you want to ride me? i go faster without armor.
and in my heart, i was mumbling under my breath: yes, i want to ride you! god, get rid of that damn armor then! let me ride you, iorek! i want to ride you!
iorek byrnison is the handsomest polar bear i ever did see and i know when i saw aslan, i said i was going to marry a lion even if it kills me. well, no more. i’m going to marry a polar bear. i will marry a polar bear even if i freeze to death!
(found this online and have lost the original posting. please provide author info if you have it.)
You might have noticed that cartoons had a different idea what was comic relief than other media. Comic relief in cartoons didn’t make you laugh. They were just a couple people that we hated more than anyone else. After you watch the Wonder Twins wander into lava, make shitty puns, and lose a fight to a parked bicycle, …
Zan, if you can turn into an Ice Missile, why the fuck would you ever pick Puddle? Name one thing you couldn’t beat with an ice missile. Now try to name anyone you ever beat when you turned into a puddle. Besides Empress Suede Pumps.
And why would you hire a dog to be your janitor anyway? Dogs aren’t known for being particularly clean animals. Then again, if you knew your janitor was going to be drinking out of the toilet, I guess you’d have to trust that he was going to do a good job cleaning it first.
One last thing I’d like to mention here is Rosemary, the telephone operator. She scorned Phooey in his civilian identity of Penrod Pooch, but was in love with Hong Kong Phooey. Okay… first of all, how many talking dogs do you know? Can’t this woman see through his disguise? I might be able to chalk it up to the Clark Kent/Superman glasses routine, but he’s got the voice of Scatman Crothers. Are you going to tell me she wouldn’t recognize that voice? I’m not even going to try to make a joke, I’m just calling straight up bullshit on that one.
source
You pretty much know a song is great if you can add a quick “Cha-cha-cha!” to the end of it. For example, take Roy Orbison’s “Only the Lonely.” Wait for the extended “dumbydoowahhhh,” and then place a “cha-cha-cha!” after a beat. The trick even works on Whitney Houston’s version of “I Will Always Love You,” which closes with a long, soaring “youuuuuu … cha-cha-cha!” and “God Save the Queen”: “Nooo future, nooo future, nooo future … cha-cha-cha!”
If you want to enjoy this flick without guilt, you will have to ignore the whole Middle East issue. Of course, one could say the same thing about living in the United States. Maybe Bay has succeeded in pulling off some social commentary after all: welcome to the United States — ignore the Middle East stuff, but stay for the masturbation jokes and cool special effects.
